Sayangku Qistina Sofea

Sayangku Qistina Sofea…

Kehadiranmu memang dinantikan

Segala usaha dan usaha dilakukan agar aku dan dia memperolehmu

Akhirnya….pada tahun kedua kehidupan aku dan dia ….kau hadir di dalam jasadku

Kau bergerak-gerak mengikut sukamu di dalam badanku

Kuak lentang, pusing-pusing keliling, kepala ke bawah kaki di atas, melintang, membujur…

Tanpa mengira aku ini sakitkah? Gelikah? Ngilukah?

Betapa pun rasanya…pergerakan itu membuatkan aku dan dia sentiasa tersenyum…kekadang ketawa bersama…hingga ada kala dia bercakap-cakap dengan perutku…kelakar…

Indahnya saat itu bila kau wujud di dalam jasadku

Tidak sabar rasanya mahu melihatmu ke dunia…bukan aku dan dia sahaja yang rasa

Malah semuanya…nekma, nenek, atok & atok, auntie, uncle, mak & pakngah, mak & pak lang, mak & paktih, mak & paksu…semua…semua…semua…

Qistina Sofea, sayangku…

Tahukah kau betapa sakitnya aku sepanjang kita berkongsi rasa, berkongsi nyawa, berkongsi semuanya..tidak pernah sedetik pun rasa selesa menjelma? Dan nekma selalu kata…..jangan berkerut, jangan mengeluh nanti anakmu tidak gembira…hehehehe

Demimu sayang…aku buat tak tahu sahaja dengan rasa sakit itu…tetapi sidialah yang jadi mangsaku…mengurutku setiap malam…

Bila waktu itu telah tiba….sedikit pun aku tidak tahu…

Tiada tanda-tanda, tiada amaran-amaran

Hanya bila mesin itu…mesin itu yang memberitahu…jantung kamu tidak baik sayang…

Maka pekerja-pekerja berpakaian putih mula membuat tindakan…

Maka di tengah malam yang sunyi, aku dibelah macam ikan…

Dia tiada disisi…ini kes kecemasan

Aku nampak di celah-celah lampu seakan bercermin di bilik itu yang terang benderang

Kesan merah-merah….tubuhku kah  itu yang dirobek-robek?

Sibaju putih itu tahu apa yang aku nampak…maka lampu itu pun beralih…

Masa berlalu dan tanpa aku sedari…sibaju putih memegangmu sambil berdiri di sisiku…tapi jauh

Aku hairan kerana aku tidak rasa apa-apa saat kau keluar dari tubuhku

Lalu sibaju putih berkata..”Puan, ini anak puan…sila beritahu ini anak apa…

Lalu ku jawab..PEREMPUAN…sibaju putih berkata lagi…”betul ya..ini anak perempuan?””YA” jawabku

Berkata lagi sibaju putih..”anak ini mesti dibawa dengan segera ke NICU kerana dia lemas dan sudah termakan najis”…aku mengangguk lemah.

Saat itu aku tidak rasa apa-apa….mana rasa keibuan itu? Mana rasa kasih itu….aku bingung

Saat aku dibawa keluar dari bilik itu…kulihat si dia dan ibuku telah menunggu…kukatakan pada mereka apa yang terjadi….mereka hanya diam dan mengangguk

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Sayangku Qistina Sofea…

Aku lemah waktu itu…tidak dapat menjengukmu sehinggalah pada hari kedua kelahiranmu

Hanya dia yang kau panggil papa dapat melihatmu pada hari pertama itu…

Kata papamu….”masih berada dalam peti, tak dapat disentuh…maka belum diqamatkan”

Hari kedua diwaktu pagi…aku..mamamu hanya mengirim bekal susu untukmu…masih kamu disitu

Hari kedua bilamana matahari mencecah kepala….papamu dan sibaju putih membawa mama kepadamu

Saat kusentuhmu sayang…barulah perasaan keibuan itu timbul…perasaan kasih dan cinta itu ada…(terukla mamamu ini)

Air mata deras bagai sungai  membasahi pipi…tatkala ku lihat ada tiub-tiub dimulutmu dan dikaki kecilmu…dan aku masih tidak boleh memegangmu waima menyusukanmu.

Hari ketiga tatkala mama boleh pulang…kamu harus tinggal disitu….sedih bukan kepalang terpaksa meninggalkanmu ditemani sibaju putih

7 hari kamu disitu dan setiap hari mama berulang alik menjengukmu…dari pagi hinggalah ke malam…setia bersama papamu yang hanya dibenarkan masuk pada waktu lawatan

Qistina Sofea…kamu kuat kata nekma…kecil-kecil lagi dah dicucuk sana sini…moga bila besar bertambah kuat semangatmu wahai sayang..

Alhamdulillah…sepanjang rawatan kamu menunjukkan perkembangan yang baik…

Melegakan hati mama dan papa dan seluruhnya…

Tiba saat kamu dibawa pulang…ditabur beras kuniyit oleh atokmu…diberi makan kurma dan sedikit garam…diiringi doa, serta selawat dan salam

Kamu hangat dalam pelukan mama…..akhirnya kita bersama semula…..

Alhamdulillah…bersyukur aku atas amanah Allah ini…..aku mahu jadi ibu nyang sempurna agar Qistina Sofea sempruna segalanya…tetapi dugaan Allah itu tidak kita duga…redha dan pasrah sahaja atas apa yang diterima….

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TERIMA KASIH

Pengalaman pertama

Sebagai permulaan kisah kehidupanku sebagai ibu, aku copy paste jek 'notes' FB aku yg dah lama bertapa.....

Here you go mommies

by Zetty Azlin Muhamad on Friday, May 22, 2009 at 7:05pm

Here you go mommies - a different kind of survey for a change - it's all about your first (or only) born! Just copy and paste it in a new note for yourself!

Let's see how much you remember! If I sent it to you, it means I want to hear your story.

I was tagged by Zafinah long time ago but only now that I have the time to think back what happened - to recall back my memoirs during my pregnancy & labour days for my first born, the one and only at the moment perhaps. However, it was indeed a sweet moment of course since it was my 1st pregnancy, only mothers knew that kind of feelings (thou some would recall it as ‘painful’ moments, for me it’s a depressing). Especially, when your 1st pregnancy was so called at ‘old age’.

1. WAS YOUR PREGNANCY PLANNED?
Yes. Both my hubby and I have gone through on medication treatment. We’ve been married for 2 yrs and thinking that our age is very crucial to have baby so we decided to go for treatment

2. WERE YOU MARRIED AT THE TIME?
Of course,...Yes.

3. WHAT WERE YOUR REACTIONS?
Very the very excited but a bit nervous when got to know it’s still at early stage. Both of us just didn’t want to show the excitement. Furthermore, takut benda buruk klu terlalu excited

4. WAS ABORTION AN OPTION FOR YOU?
Totally NO

5. HOW OLD WERE YOU?
I was 34 that time. And my hubby was already 40...Quite old huh!

6. HOW DID YOU FIND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT?
I know that my menses has been late for few days but I assumed that maybe due to my stress at work. Before that I’ve experience the lateness and when I went straight away to see the doctor for check up, I was very frustrated to know that I was not pregnant. So for the 2nd time, I just acted normal but still precautious with my daily activity.

It was very funny to tell this but on my 7th day free from menstrual, I quietly went to the pharmacy after work to buy the pregnancy test. I didn’t tell anybody whereby my normal attitude; I usually inform my hubby my whereabouts. At that time my hubby was working in afternoon shift. So he was not with me. I bought the cheapest pregnancy test as I didn’t want to be frustrated anymore.

After the testing, the result appeared to blue colour double line....I was so stupid that I don’t know what it means...I expected the result to be appeared as ‘+’ or ‘-’ sign. The funny part is I assumed that I’m not pregnant. I just kept quiet and didn’t call any friends for consult. I was so afraid of being frustrated and I just acted normal that night (This is what we called...”blaja tinggi2 tp bodoh melantun-lantun”). Still didn’t inform my hubby about the pregnancy test I’ve made.

7. WHO DID YOU TELL FIRST?
I told my best colleague the next day at work about the pregnancy test result. She was laughing at me and told me why am I so stupid....she said “mengandung la tuh’....hahahahah. I was laughing too and thinking how stupid dumb dumb I am about this. Then I called my hubby to inform him and we decided to do further check up at the nearest clinic after work.

Once confirmed, then only I told my parent, parent in-law, my siblings, all my sis law and aunties. Everybody was so happy with the news...for my side this will be the 1st grandchild and ‘anak buah’ in the family

8. DID YOU WANT TO FIND OUT THE SEX?
Of course I want to know! My hubby didn’t care about this. What important to him is that both baby and mom are safe and sempurna although he prefers girl while I prefer boy. As for me, if I know the sex then it’s easier for me to make preparation with the baby’s stuff....Appropriate outfit, colour etc.

I went to government and private clinic to do the scanning and both doctors couldn’t give exact answer on the sex. Both of them said MAYBE it’sa girl...(didn’t go for the 3D scanning)

9. DUE DATE?
It should be on 2nd April 2007 but I delivered a bit earlier...on the 28th of March 2007

10. DID YOU HAVE MORNING SICKNESS?
Thank GOD – Alhamdullilah, I didn’t have a bad morning sickness during the pregnancy. Once in a while I got dizzy and there was only one time that I got this vomiting for 3 days...and that’s it. My big problem was that I got lower back pain and it was really uncomfortable. I always on MC due to this.

11. WHAT DID YOU CRAVE?
Western food and Chinese food....my colleague called me a high maintenance baby inside

12. WHO/WHAT IRRITATED YOU THE MOST?
I hate to see this one guy....a toll gate guy and Bukit Mahkota (Bangi) toll...I don’t know why but I hate to see his face..haahahah / Climbing stairs to my house (I’m staying in a walk up apartment)

13. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CHILD'S SEX?
Female

14. DID YOU WISH YOU HAD THE OPPOSITE SEX OF WHAT YOU WERE GETTING?
Yes but when she born, I didn’t think about that anymore

15. HOW MANY POUNDS DID YOU GAIN THROUGHOUT THE PREGNANCY?
8kg – 10 kg

16. DID YOU HAVE A BABY SHOWER?
No baby shower but I did the traditional way. My mother in-law insists me to go for ‘melenggang perut’ during my 7th month as this is the 1st pregnancy

17. WAS IT A SURPRISE OR DID YOU KNOW?
I knew it and it is a planned occasion

18. DID YOU HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS DURING YOUR PREGNANCY?
I was diagnosed as Placenta Previa but not bleeding during 4 month pregnant. It was detected when I went for scanning. However, since it’s not bleeding so the doctor just advised me to go straight to the hospital if it happens. Then during my 6 month pregnant, I did the scan again and my placenta has gone back to its normal place.

But I tell you, after my 4 month pregnancy until the last day, I felt so painful at my lower stomach (ari2) whenever I walk. I’ve to walk slowly....when I sit it’s very hard to me to stand up...it really immobilized me. I wonder is it because of my weight? However I didn’t gain much weight and I did ask other pregnant lady who has the same weight even heavier than me, they didn’t experience the same situation in fact they look very energetic. My nasib la.

I was admitted during my 7 mth pregnant due to high blood pressure...admitted only one night. I don’t believe I had high blood pressure because I don’t have the symptoms. But maybe my pressure gone up because, (during my routine checkup) I was just taken my lunch when the doc took my pressure. You know la when we go thru the government clinic, they will straight away send you to the hospital if this happen.

19. WHERE DID YOU GIVE BIRTH?
Tuanku Jaafar Hospital in Seremban (Government)

20. HOW MANY HOURS WERE YOU IN LABOR?
I was in the operation theatre, I think for about 1 hour ++

21. WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL?
Hubby accompanied by my mother on 27th of March 2007. They send me to the hospital about 2 pm

22. WHO WATCHED YOU GIVE BIRTH?
I was on operation. Since it was an emergency case, my hubby was unable to accompany me coz he was at home during that time. The doctor called him at 12am but he didn’t manage to come on time since I was put inside the operation theatre at 12.45.

So they were the surgical doctors (I think 2 surgical doctors and 1 gynae), midwife and I think 2 nurses. I can’t remember


23. WAS IT NATURAL OR C-SECTION?
Saat2 yg agak mencemaskan. Actually on the 27th of March, in the afternoon I got this diarrhea (I was already staying with my parent after I was admitted due to high blood pressure). The weird thing is that I’m the only one who got diarrhea while the rest of my family was in good condition even though we had the same food. We ate nasi lemak during breakfast. I kept on vomiting and purging, non-stop from 11.30am until noon and prolonged until 1 pm.
Then my mother asked my hubby to send me to the hospital...about 2 something we reached the hospital and the doctor found me having fever. The baby’s heart beat was good at that time...no contraction...just a minor one....my vagina is still not open but I’ve to be admitted due to my fever.

I requested for 1st or 2nd class but they said it was full house so I was being warded in the 3rd class( This is the consequences when we choose government hospital.......actually wherever we deliver, the pain is still there, it only differs the service) Furthermore I always hear that if we go to private, if anything serious happen the private will push us to government too unless if we go to big private hospital, frankly speaking I can’t afford the bill!) I just don’t want to take the risk.

So, from 3 something until night I was given a panadol and the nurse keep on asking whether there is a contraction or not. I told them the contraction is not so painful and the timing is only 15 to 30 min. So I guess no sign of giving birth...

At nearly 11 something, I heard one nurse asking another nurse about my condition...I should have gone thru the CTG by that time whereby I haven’t done it yet. It’s not my fault anyway. Then they did the CTG and found out there’s somehting wrong with my baby’s heart beat. The nurse called out a doctor to check on me...he said that if no ‘bukaan’ then I’ve to go for C-section...well confirm NO ‘bukaan’.

Then the doctor called another doctor who is gynae specialist and she confirmed that I’ve to go for operation. On the way to the operation theatre, the lady doc called my husband to inform and unfortunately my hubby silences his hp....what a nuisance! Then I asked her to call my father...she managed to talked to my hubby.

I still can hear the docs communicate with each other....after they make me half unconscious...I was still awake and know what’s going on around.....I felt so cold that I shivered the whole body...then the gynea put sort of warm blanket on my chest to ease the cold.

My baby was delivered at 1.56 am, no crying voice and I didn’t even realize that she has been out from my belly until the doc bring her to me yet cannot touch. The doc said...”Puan, ini anak puan...puan dapat anak aper? Then I answered “perempuan”...then the doc said “baby x bleh lama kat sini yer..kene bawa ke wad (PICU/NICU) dgn kadar segera kerana kurang oksigen dan dah termakan najis”..then only I heard my baby cried with a very soft voice...

I didn’t know how to express myself...no expression I think..I don’t know how I feel towards my baby...at that time I don’t have the mother’s feeling..maybe becoz I never get the chance to touch my baby.

After the operation process has finished, I still feel very cold and I’ve been warmed by a warmer about 15 min...then they brought me to the ward....then only I saw my hubby and mom waiting outside...told them about the baby’s condition..

24. DID YOU TAKE MEDICINE TO EASE THE PAIN?
Of course...I was on operation...half body unconscious coz the doc said it was emergency and I was not on fasting, it’s better to be half unconscious. Means that I can see everything but don’t feel anything...heheehe..I could see the opening of my belly thru the reflection of the surgical light hanging on the ceiling....

25.HOW MUCH DID YOUR CHILD WEIGH?
2.7 kg

26. WHEN WAS YOUR CHILD ACTUALLY BORN ?
28th March 2007 at 1.56 am

27. WHAT DID YOU NAME HIM/HER?
Qistina Sofea

28. HOW OLD IS YOUR FIRST BORN TODAY?
2 years old (26 months)

29. WOULD YOU DO IT AGAIN?
Of course I would like to have another one, perhaps this time to get a boy...so I’ll have a pair. At this age, I wish that I have 4 kids but I don’t think I can, unless I get twins or triplets then I can manage to have 4 kids before I turn 40.

Sofea has been warded for 7 days, so I ulang alik to hospital to breastfeed her (I’ve been discharged 2 days after the operation). Sofea has been monitored and given antibiotic until the doc satisfied with her condition. Pity her....kecik2 lagi dah cucuk sana sini...I was only able to see Sofea on the 2nd day..and breastfeed her on the 3rd day...very depressing...when I manage to touch her for the first time then only I felt the feeling of being a mother. I cried when I see her with all the tubes went thru her mouth and nose and needles at her feet....seeing all the needles wound on her tiny hand made me very depressed...

Until now, when I think back..my tears will drop..even the tears are dropping when I write this notes.......

My sweetheart, my sunshine, my everything

Tak Tau...

Sehingga hari ni masih ketandusan idea nak tulis blog ni...hmmm..rasanya skin blog ni dah cantik dah..tp no idea..
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Actually ada bnyk nak tulis (ntah apa2 la aku ni) tp x tau nak mula yg mana....pasal Sofea? Pasal Ratu 'Ain? Pasal aku atau dia?

Hari ni melawat2 blog2 org utk dapat idea menulis, idea berblog, idea design yg very the very organised, & lain2 la...maka terjumpa  beberapa blog yg menyentuh hati keibuan ini...suma pun pasal anak2 istimewa...yg dah tiada & juga yg masih ada..menitis gak la baca kisah2 ibu ni...

Jadi...mcm mana ek nak memulakan kisah ini?....Tgu la bila mood dtg menjelma....lagipun bukan bnyk follower pun yg menunggu up date blog ni hehehehe...atau silent reader? (mode: perasan)

Akhirnya....

Jenuh betul nak re-design blog ni...nak pilih skin la..nak pilih template la...sumanyer x kene...
Almaklumlah..baru ni je yg nak aktif meng update blog. Baru ni je la yg ada rasa kecintaan kat blog sendiri...

Maka...inilah hasilnyer..terima kasih kat Erna dan adindaku Fatin, yg memberi tunjuk ajar serta blog2 lain, tutor2 kat alam maya ni yang aku telah jelajahi.
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....(mode: thinking)

Rasanya lepas ni mcm nak edit jek lagi ni...muahaaahaha

Ni salah satu gambar yg aku upload, kononnye utk blog ni la...tp x jadi....tu signature kat bawah tu pun baru je create..Puan Erna tlg bgtau mana nak letak..hehehe

Hati berbunga2 dan hati dap dup

Pagi tadi singgah kat blog doa buat alanna....hari2 pun singgah nak tgk update. Jadi 'leave a comment'...berbunga nyer hati pasal mummy alanna response...heee x tau la si mummy alanna ni mmg ada aura celebrity...real celebrity pun mama x amik pot tau. Tu yang hati berbunga2 ni.

Hati dap dup dap...huhuhu..sebenarnyer agak kerisauan dgn status career mama skang ni. Ada ura2 co' nak pindah opis kat kl..tu yg mama risau. Dah la mama dok Pajam kat mantin nun...klu setakat drive ke Bangi/Kajang x der masaalah...tp klu nun di KL tu...rasa jauh sgt...dlm kepala otak mama ni cuma nmpk traffic jam sana sini. Lagi satu Qistina & Ratu pun dah mula nak sebati hidup di taska Humairaa....klu mama kene keje kat kl camner ngan anak2...adusss..tmbh pening. nak pindah ke kl jauh skali pasal rumah yg duduk skang ni umah sendiri....lgpun mcm x mampu nak menyewa kat kl tuh. Cian kat bdk2..kul baper plak nak travel ke taska..pepagi buta sebelum subuh syafiee...nak jemput lg? x tau kul baper leh amik dia org.

Bos pun lom bagi kata dua sama ada jd pindah ke x..tu yg dup dap tu...

Nak tukar keje? umur cam mama ni saper nak amik? mama pun bukan tahap profesional...kirenyer status mama ni lom la ke tahap manager kan so market x tgi la. Hmmm...tp klu cfm kene pindah kene gak la usaha carik keje lain yg berdekatan pasal mama still nak anak2 mama bertaska di humairaa....nmpk sgt development Qistina Sofea sejak dia ditempatkan di situ. Ye la...dia kan anak istimewa...kalangan keluarga mmg perasan sgt dgn development dia yg positif tu. Klu tukar taska mungkin lg mahal klu nak sistem yg sama...x tau la...speechless seketika.